Moving Beyond the Five Stages of Grief

The traditional model of the Five Stages of Grief is no longer the best way to support grieving clients and honestly, we aren’t really sure it ever was. Though the most popular and well-known, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, is quickly becoming a theory of the past. As our understanding of grief evolves, it’s becoming more clear that this model may not be the most effective or empathetic approach in supporting grievers. 

We’ve all heard of the Five Stages of Grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, Kübler-Ross’s research was never intended to be a grief model for supporting grievers following the death of an important person. The original research was conducted on the dying individual to understand their grief and anticipatory grief experience. Applying the Five Stages of Grief to a grieving client may actually be more harmful than helpful. 

The Limitations of the Five Stages:

1. Rigid and Linear Nature:

   The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—imply a linear progression, suggesting that individuals move through these stages in a fixed order. It also implies that once someone has reached acceptance their grief is complete. In reality, grief is a dynamic and non-linear process, and reaching acceptance doesn’t mean that grief will no longer impact an individual. 

2. One-Size-Fits-All Approach:

   Grief is a deeply personal experience, and individuals may react differently to loss based on their unique personalities, cultural backgrounds, the circumstances of the loss, and life experiences. Relying on a standardized model may oversimplify the diverse ways people cope with grief and fail to address the individuality of each grieving person.

3. Exclusion of Other Emotions:

   The five stages of grief focus on specific emotions, potentially overlooking a wide range of feelings that can accompany grief, such as guilt, confusion, relief, or even moments of joy. If a griever experiences something other than one of those stages, a griever may experience shame or feeling like they are failing in their grief. Neglecting these emotions may hinder the healing process by not allowing individuals to explore and express their full emotional landscape. 

Moving Towards a More Empathetic Approach:

1. Recognizing Diversity in Grief:

   Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Acknowledging and validating the diversity of grief experiences is pivotal in providing meaningful and effective support. Professionals in the field should encourage open conversations that allow individuals to express their unique emotions without the pressure to conform to linear, fixed stages.

2. Fluidity of Grief:

   Grieving is a fluid and ever-evolving experience, and individuals may be faced with a wide range of emotions at different times. Grief support should be flexible, adapting to the changing needs of individuals as they navigate through their grief journey. This approach allows for a more realistic and compassionate understanding of the grieving process.

3. Promoting Emotional Validation and Continuing Bonds: 

   Instead of framing grief as a series of stages to be overcome, grief support should focus on developing ways to stay in relation to our deceased and to adjust to life without them. Encouraging individuals to develop healthy ways of processing grief, such as seeking support, engaging in self-care, finding meaning in their grief, and learning to tolerate the discomfort, can contribute to long-term healing.

For decades, the Five Stages of Grief have played a significant role in developing our understanding of loss. It is important to acknowledge that this model has laid the foundation to opening up more honest conversations around grief and has been the starting point for other holistic, well-rounded grieving models. At Mindful Counseling and Wellness LLC, we view grief through the models of attachment and relationships; continuing bonds, and Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model of Coping With Bereavement. The previously mentioned models allow for deeper respect and compassion of a grieving person’s lived experience. If you are looking for grief support, consider finding support that goes beyond the Five Stages of Grief.